I've got some questions floating in my head...now understand, these are just questions. I'm not criticizing how anybody does anything. (Like my disclaimer?)
I've been noticing lately that there seems to be a lot of rewarding going on with our kids. Take church for example: the kids are given a "God time" book to encourage them to do quiet time and read their Bibles. That is great! But, they get a punch for each day they do and the number of punches they receive gives them that many points to get some treat (toy, little trinket) at the reward store at the end of the month.
Now on to school: The kids are given a yellow check if there is anything they do that is not appropriate (talking out of turn, disrupting class, etc). It changes to a red check if they do something really bad or don't change their behavior. If no check is by their name they can pick out a candy treat before going home. They aren't allowed to eat it at school, which leaves the parent having to decide whether candy is ok as soon as they get in the car.
When did we begin this whole rewarding for behavior thing? Why are we not expecting our kids to be well behaved and good mannered in class just because that is the right thing to do? I know I do this all the time. I'll say "If you do (fill in the blank) well and don't complain or argue then you can have/do (fill in the blank).
As for the quiet time thing - Caleb right now is spending time reading his Bible solely because of the reward store at the end of the month. Is it ok for him to have such a warped sense of desire to read the Bible? Is this an ok way to build a habit of spending time with God?
What do you think?
7 comments:
Great thoughts ... I relate to the struggle especially of rewarding spiritual disciplines with candy. That said ... was just talking to a mom about rewards to help motivate her child to practice piano. Isn't it the way we are wired ... to seek rewards for doing the right thing? The rewards may not be candy, but there is a payoff. We workout (most of us at least) for the reward of looking, feeling healthier and stronger. We do things all the time with the hope that there will be a reward of some sort ... words, $$, etc. Children don't have as many ways to be rewarded ... I think internal motivation comes with maturity. I'm still working on that one for myself ... Amy
I've contemplated this topic as well. I don't like the idea of my child coming to expect a treat or toy, just because he behaved the way he should. At times, I think my own desire to preemptively control a situation causes me to resort to a bribe..."if you do such-and-such, then you may have such-and-such"...or "if you have good behavior in the store, then I will let you choose a reward." I'm not sure this is really teaching the behavior I want! I've talked with Ethan about the fact that often the reward that comes with doing something right is simply the knowledge that you made a good choice. (So hard for a kid to grasp!) I liked what Amy said about internal motivation coming with maturity. I've got a ways to go with that myself. :)
Elaine
I agree...I think a child should obey just because, not to win a treat or claim a prize.
We are saved through faith, not by works right? Are we then encouraging a works-based false faith by awarding reading of the Bible with treats?
good thoughts, laura. i am struggling with that whole thought process now as we are potty training. i am wondering if she will ever go "big girl pee pee" if she doesn't get a "treat" afterwards.
glad i am not alone in this!!
btw... your family has got to be the CUTEST family around!! levi is just precious!
xo
I have often thought about this too! I agree with everyone so far as well. At our church they reward the kids with toy coins for doing their memory verse or bringing their offering (this especially bugs me). Then they get to spend it in the "store". It may be to get them started in hopes that eventually they want to do the right thing whether there is a reward or not. I believe I remember getting rewards when we were younger, too. It's good to know I'm not the only one who thinks these things too!
~Melissa~
Interesting ideas. Just wondering how the whole reward thing plays into the need for us to do something consistently for about 30 days in a row before it is able to become a habit. I like the thought of using a reward (external motivation) to get things going, and then fading the reward once the activity etc has become more of a discipline and internal motivation (knowing that you did a good job etc) kicks in.
Also, thank goodness potty training doesn't fail after the treats go away or I'd be in big trouble....although we do have conversations (my 3 1/2 year old and I) at least 3-4 times a week about why going poop in the toilet is just a part of being a big boy now and not something that he gets a treat for. Thats a phrase I just keep repeating over and over with one of those "bummer" looks on my face.
We have a similar system with Marshall's school but minus the reward (I wonder if the different slant is regional ???). The kids start the day on green and move to yellow or red for bad behavior. Parents are supposed to check their folder when they get home everyone and praise the kiddo for green (I guess you could argue praise is a reward...but its kind of different since its not a material reward like candy, etc.) and administer appropriate disciplinary action for yellow or red (they discipline at the school with time-outs, etc but they expect the parent to help out in this arena too). So, I guess you could say we are on the "punishment" system instead of the "reward" system. Seems to be working though - Marshall is quick to tell me when other kids at school got a yellow, "looks like they will be going to bed early tonight night..." :).
We do reward alot in our family though...I think its because dangling a carrot feels better than threatening this punishment or that punishment all the time.
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